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NOW THES SI TEH S2RY AL ABOUT HOW
MY LIEF GOT FLIPAD TURN3D UPSIED DOWN
AND I’D LIEK 2 TAEK A MINUT3 JUST SIT RIGHT THAR3
I’L T3L U HOW I BCME TEH PRINCE OF A 2WN CAL3D BL ARE
IN!!1!!1 OMG WTF WEST PHILAEDLPHIA BORN AND RASE3D
ON DA PLAYGROUND SI WHERE I SP3NT MOST OF MAH DAYS
CHILIN’!!!1!! OMG OUT MAXIN’ R3LAXIN AL COL
AND AL SHOTIN’ SOM3 B-BAL OUTSIED OF TEH SKOOL
WH3N!!11! LOL A COUPLA OF GUYS WHO WER3 UP 2 NO GOD
START3D MAKIN’ TROUBL3 IN MAH NAIGHBORHOD
I!11!1 LOL GOT IN ONE LITLA FIGHT AND MAH MOM GOT SCAERD
AND SADE U MOVIN’ WIT UR AUNTEI AND UNCL3 IN BL ARE
WEL!11!!111 I WHISTLAD FOR A CAB AND WHEN IT CM3 NEAR
THE LIECNSE PLAET SADE FRESH AND IT HAD DIEC IN DA MIROR
IF!!1!1 WTF ANYTHNG I CUD SAY TAHT THES CAT WAS RAER
BUT I THOUGHT NAH FORGET IT YO HOME 2 BL ARE
I!!1!!!1 OMG PULED UP 2 TEH HOUES ABOUT S3VEN OR EIGHT
AND I YEL3D 2 TEH CABY YO HOMAS SMAL YA L8R
LOKAD!!!!!!! OMG LOL AT MAH KNGDOM I WAS FINALY THAR3
2 FIL MAH THRONA AS TEH PRINCE OF BL ARE!1!11 WTF LOL

HELO /B/
I’D SAY ITS BEN 8 OR 9 YEARS SINC3 DA LAST TIEM I RMMED A STIK OF BUTAR UP MAH AS WHIEL J3RKNG OF AND FNG3RNG MAH ASHOLE!!1111 OMG I DID IT B/C IT F3LT RILLY GOD BUT TAHT’S NOT TEH POINT OF THES S2RY!!!!!!11 OMG LOL I WANT 2 T3L U OF DA AVENTS PROCEDNG THES FAETFUL MASTURBATION
I’M!!1!!11!1 WTF SITNG THEYRE WATCHNG TEH FR3SH PRINCE OF BL ARE AND AROUND 15 MINUTAS GO BY AND I FEL A STIKY WETNES ON MAH AS CHEKS AND BALSAK!!!11! THES SI WH3N I R3ALIEZD TAHT DA BUTAR I HAD SHOV3D UP MAH ASHOLE HAD MELT3D AND LEAEKD OUT ON2 MAH COUCH AND IT HAD A VARY DISTINCT PUTRID STENCH 2 IT!111!!! WTF LOL IT HAD MIEXD WIT MAH SHIT 2 CR3AET SOMETHNG FAR WORSE THAN SHIT!!!1! OMG WTF LOL IT WAS PROBABLEY DA WORST THNG I’V3 SMALT IN AL MAH LIEF!!11!!!!! OMG IT ACTUALY SMALT MANY TIEMS WORS3 THAN TEH TIEM I HAD STUK A PIKLA UP MAH ASHOL3 AND FORGOT ABOUT UNTIL TEH MORNNG AFT3R
WHIEL!!!!!1 OMG STANDNG THEYRE TAKNG IN THES WOND3RFULY PUTRID SMEL I REALIEZ TAHT I CANOT B DA ONLEY ONE 2 SMAL THIS!111!11 OMG SO I WAELDK QUIKLEY UPSTARES WIT MAH AS CHEKS CLENCHED NOT WANTNG 2 SPIL A DROP OF MAH SHIT BUTER!!!11!11 OMG WTF I PUL OUT FROM MAH SOK DRAEWR A HEAVY WOLEN SOK AND UNLOAD TEH CONTANTS OF MAH ASHOL3 IN2 IT!11!1!!!! OMG WTF I THOUGHT DA SMEL WAS BAD BFORE!!!!!1!1 OMG I NOW HAD DA URGA 2 DO A BAR3L ROL OUT MAH WINDOW 2 ASCAEP TEH HORID ODOR!!1!1!!!! OMG LOL I QUIKLEY TEID DA 2P OF TEH SOK AND LEFT MAH HOUES
AS!!1!! OMG I WOKED DOWN DA STRET A BROWNISH-YALOW LIQUID SLOWLEY DRIPED FROM TEH BOTOM OF TEH SOK!1!11 OMG WTF LOL DA NEIGHBORHOD KIDS BCM3 VARY CURIOS AS 2 WUT WAS GONG ON AND AS THEY APROACHED THAY CAUGHT A WHIF OF TEH PUTRID SMEL EMANATNG FROM DA SOK!!1!!1!1 OMG WTF THES SI WH3N JOANA MAH NEIGHBORS 13 YAAR OLD DAUGHT3R VOMIETD WUT LOKED LIEK A FRASHLEY 3AETN PEANUT BUTER AND JALY SANDWICH AL OVER TEH STRET!!11!!! OMG LOL I NEARLEY CME IN MAH PANTS AT TAHT MOMENT!1!!1!!!1 OMG WTF I HAD DA SIK3ST HARD ON!11!!1!11 LOL IN FACT TEH ONLEY THNG KEPNG ME FROM RAPNG JOANA WHIEL SH3 LAY IN A POL OF H3R OWN VOMIT WAS MAH SOK FUL OF SHIT BUT3R!!11!11!1 I KNAW I HAD SOMETHNG 2 DO AND I WAS DMN SURE GONG 2 DO IT!111!!11 OMG WTF I KEPT WOKNG
I!!1!1!11! OMG LOL FINALY MAED IT 2 MAH LOCAL GROCARY S2R3!1!11!!! WTF LOL AN 3PIC JOURN3Y IT HAD BAN!11!!1111 WTF LOL AV3RY ASHOL3 IN DA VICINITY CUD SMAL DA PUTRID ODOR BUT NOBODY KN3W WHER3 IT CME FROM!!111! I CAN STIL HEAR THAM IN MAH MIND!!1!! WTF SI TAHT SM3L”!!!11! OMG WTF LOL “THIS SM3L SI SO BAD I THINK IMA KIL MYSELF WIT A HMMER” ONE MAN SADE!11!11 OMG I AVEN SAW A F3LOW DEPRAEVD MANIAC IN DA CORNER OF MAH EYE!1!!!!1! WTF I CUD TEL B/C HE HAD DA SM3 SMIEL TAHT I DID!1!!111 WTF LOL HE WAS LAUGHNG WIT TEH SME GLE!!1!!! LOL I’M SURE H3’S RAEPD A SEVARELEY MENTALY CHALANGED CHILD IN HIS LIEFTIEM!1!1!1! OMG I KNOW I HAEV
TAHT’S!11!!!! WTF LOL WH3N I SAW HIM!1!!!! OMG WTF TEH OLD NIG3R WHO SAT IN FRONT OF SHOPRIET SAYNG HELO 2 EV3RY ASHOLE STROLNG BY!11!!11! I FUKNG HAETD THES MAN!!1!!1 OMG I CUDN’T T3L U Y!11!11 OMG I JUST HAETD HIM!!!1!1 LOL HE CUD SMAL MAH SHIT BUT3R!11!1 OMG LOL I CUD T3L B/C HE WAS GASPNG FOR ARE!!!1!11 WTF LOL I QUIKLEY APROACHAD HIM THINKNG “THIS WIL B DA GREAETST DAY OF MAH LIEF!!1!1!1!1 OMG WTF NOTHNG CUD S2P M3 NOW”!11!!1! OMG LOL THES SI WHAN I FELT A SUDEN BURST!!11!11 WTF I R3ALIEZD L8R TAHT I HAD SHOT A LOAD OF IN MAH PANTS RIGHT AT TAHT MOM3NT
I!1!!1!11 WAS ARMS LANGTH FROM DA NIG3R NOW!!!11 I CLANCH3D DA SOK TIGHT WIT BOTH HANDS AND SWUNG IT AT TEH NIG3RS FAEC WIT AL MAH MIGHT!!!!!1!!1 LOL I HIT HIM IN TEH CHEK WIT SUCH FORCE TAHT DA BROWNISH-LIQUID HAD SPRAEYD OUT AL OVAR HIS FAEC!!11!1! WTF HE IMEDIAETLEY THREW UP!1!!11 OMG LOL I SAT BAK LAUGHNG AS HE WASH3D OUT HIS EYES WIT BOTLAD W8R!!!!!1!1! WTF HE ASKED Y?!!??!?! OMG WTF LOL AND I RESPONDAD BY DUMPNG TEH REST OF DA SOX CONTENTS ON HIS H3AD!111! OMG WTF TRULEY I DID IT FOR TEH LULZ
WHIEL!1!!1!! OMG WTF 3VARYBODY WAS DISTRACTAD I WOKAD IN2 SHOPRIET AND QUIKLEY SHOVAD AS MANY APLES AS I CUD UP MAH AS!111!1!1! IT WAS 4!1!!!11 OMG LOL I LEFT SHOPRIET WIT TEH MOST SATISFACTION I HAEV 3VER FALT IN MAH LIEF!!1!!!1 I REM3MBR THINKNG “WOW I’M SUCH A GREAT PERSON I GET 4 FRE APLES AND I GET 2 GO HOMA AND JERK OF 2 CP”
WH3N!!!!1111 WTF I THINK BAK ON TAHT DAY I CAN ALWAYS RAM3MBR HOW SWET THOSE APLES TASTAD!!!!1!!! OMG WTF LOL NOTHNG SWET3R!!!1!!1!

Hello /b/

I’d say its been 8 or 9 years since the last time I rammed a stick of butter up my ass while jerking off and fingering my asshole. I did it because it felt really good but that’s not the point of this story. I want to tell you of the events proceeding this fateful masturbation.

I’m sitting there watching The Fresh Prince of Bel Air and around 15 minutes go by and I feel a sticky wetness on my ass cheeks and ballsack. This is when I realized that the butter I had shoved up my asshole had melted and leaked out onto my couch and it had a very distinct putrid stench to it. It had mixed with my shit to create something far worse than shit. It was probably the worst thing I’ve smelt in all my life. It actually smelt many times worse than the time I had stuck a pickle up my asshole and forgot about until the morning after.

While standing there taking in this wonderfully putrid smell I realize that I cannot be the only one to smell this. So I waledk quickly upstairs with my ass cheeks clenched not wanting to spill a drop of my shit butter. I pull out from my sock drawer a heavy woolen sock and unload the contents of my asshole into it. I thought the smell was bad before. I now had the urge to do a barrel roll out my window to escape the horrid odor. I quickly tied the top of the sock and left my house.

As I walked down the street a brownish-yellow liquid slowly dripped from the bottom of the sock. The neighborhood kids became very curious as to what was going on and as they approached they caught a whiff of the putrid smell emanating from the sock. This is when Joanna, my neighbors 13 year old daughter vomited what looked like a freshly eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich all over the street. I nearly came in my pants at that moment. I had the sickest hard on. In fact the only thing keeping me from raping Joanna while she lay in a pool of her own vomit was my sock full of shit butter. I knew I had something to do and I was damn sure going to do it. I kept walking.

I finally made it to my local grocery store. An epic journey it had been. Every asshole in the vicinity could smell the putrid odor but nobody knew where it came from. I can still hear them in my mind. “What the fuck is that smell.” “This smell is so bad I think I am going to kill myself with a hammer” one man said. I even saw a fellow depraved maniac in the corner of my eye. I could tell because he had the same smile that I did. He was laughing with the same glee. I’m sure he’s raped a severely mentally challenged child in his lifetime. I know I have.

That’s when I saw him. The old nigger who sat in front of shoprite saying hello to every asshole strolling by. I fucking hated this man. I couldn’t tell you why. I just hated him. He could smell my shit butter. I could tell because he was gasping for air. I quickly approached him thinking “this will be the greatest day of my life. Nothing could stop me now.” This is when I felt a sudden burst. I realized later that I had shot a load off in my pants right at that moment.

I was arms length from the nigger now. I clenched the sock tight with both hands and swung it at the niggers face with all my might. I hit him in the cheek with such force that the brownish-liquid had sprayed out all over his face. He immediately threw up. I sat back laughing as he washed out his eyes with bottled water. He asked “why?” and I responded by dumping the rest of the socks contents on his head. Truly, I did it for the lulz.

While everybody was distracted I walked into shoprite and quickly shoved as many apples as I could up my ass. It was 4. I left shoprite with the most satisfaction I have ever felt in my life. I remember thinking “wow, I’m such a great person, I get 4 free apples, and I get to go home and jerk off to CP.”

When I think back on that day, I can always remember how sweet those apples tasted. Nothing sweeter.